mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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