I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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