I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
