Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
too bad you live with your parents still
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
