Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
