I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
