I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
