He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
