so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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