How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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