the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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