Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
