my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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