I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
