I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
