i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
