Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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