Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
