How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
