"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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