Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
