I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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