and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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