I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
