go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
