my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
