i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
