I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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