dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
