Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
