he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
