Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
