I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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