I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
