Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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