I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
