if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
