Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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