Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I die, sorry about rent.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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