One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
