Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
