Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
