i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
