i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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