And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
