we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
