i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
