I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
