i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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