R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
