Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
